From Catterpillar to Butterfly...

“and just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly…”

This is has always been one of my favorite quotes. When I think of a caterpillar, I think of a little helpless insect who wraps himself up and hides from the world for a few days. This may be seen as weak, but it is during those days that the caterpillar is wrapped up and hiding from the world that it is doing its hardest work. The caterpillar is shedding its old skin and transforming into a beautiful butterfly. When the caterpillar emerges from its caccoon, it is no longer a frail and helpless bug, but a beautiful and elegant butterfly. I think that the butterfly is the ultimate symbol of strength and transformation. Yet, before a caterpillar can become a butterfly it must shed its skin, becoming completely vulnerable to the world. And once the butterfly emerges from the caccoon, its wings are wrinkled and stuck together.
I think it’s the stages that captivate me the most. Something starts off so small and weak must become more vulnerable and weaker in order to become beautiful and free; and even then, the transformation is not fast. Sometimes I feel like a caterpillar, and other times a butterfly.
I think one of the many things I’ve learned from this is that transformation takes time and that in order to get better, one must first become more fragile and vulnerable. Much like the caterpillar, I am often perceived as weak for having to stay home and lay in bed; however, I would rather think of it as going into my caccoon so that I can emerge stronger! I have learned a lot from Dysautonomia, but it has also taken much from me too. Soooo, for the rest of this entry I’m going to do ‘pits & peaks’.

PITS of Dysautonomia (I won’t name them all)
-I was having a conversation with my mom about me joining my school’s acapella group since I love to sing so much, but we realized that I run out of breath too quickly and I can’t stand for that long.
-I miss walking the loop. I live at the beach and we have a 3 mile loop around the beach. One of my favorite summer activities used to be walking the loop after dinner with my best friend and her dog. I tried again this summer and it didn’t turn out so well.
-Last summer I used to drive from my house to Charlotte to Greensboro and back whenever I wanted. From my house to Charlotte is about a 5 hour drive, but it was really no problem. I’m going to attempt to go visit my friend in Charlotte next week, but am super anxious about the drive. I now have to plan my sleep schedule days before so that I will have enough energy to drive for 5 hours.
-I miss being a good babysitter. I think I’m still pretty good, but I used to be great. I never have enough energy to plan and do activities with the kids, so I usually resort to a movie or a small arts and crafts project.
-friends, energy, standing in the grocery line…the little things I miss.

PEAKS of Dysautonomia
-I have gotten to watch SO many good movies while I’m on the couch. (Rent, My Sisters Keeper, The Secret Life of Bees, Precious, A Walk to Remember, The Road…so many good ones!) Also, I am now addicted to TV shows like The Bachelorette, Toddlers and Tiaras, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, and House.
-Salt! And a lot of it! I have always always always loved putting salt on my food, but everyone always made fun of me. Well now I get to put salt on everything and no one can stop me!
-I have found that people, strangers, are usually nice and can be the most encouraging. I have found a lot of support on The Dysautonomia Connection (http://thedysautonomiaconnection.org/). People who are total strangers have all been responsive to my silly questions. Thank you Kyli, Shannon, Emily, David, and plenty of others! It has been fantastic to have support.
-It has taught me to appreciate the small things. Being able to eat a meal without feeling sick, being able to stand in a grocery line, being able to get through a day without a nap, and being able to lay down and still be able to breath, being able to walk out to the mailbox without going into tachycardia…it’s the little things that I always took advantage of that I am learning to appreciate.

It’s the small victories, and I’m okay with that for now. Goodnight guys.

-Brooke-